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Oddly I have a smile on my face but that might be because I have now gone insane.

Remember when I said I was all rested and healthy and shit? Ladies and Gentleman, I present:

How to get from Paris to New York City in 24 hours or more.

1: Fly Air France. What's French for "head up the ass"?

2: Fly into a snowstorm.

3: Hover in indecision over Boston for an extra hour.

4: Land in DC. Wait four hours on runway because idiot Air France pilot can't decide what to do. Extra bonus points if people start crying around you. (Two did on my flight.) Watch "Mean Girls" (great) twice, and "Alfie"(crap) and "Bridget Jones 2" (double crap but I still cried) once. Read 365 pages of "I Am Charlotte Simmons" and decide you need to start work on your novel. Promise yourself it will be much, much shorter, although you are actually grateful that it is so long because you have no idea how long you're going to be on the plane.

5: Finally get off plane only to wait another two hours for luggage at three different carousels. Sense cruel trick is being played on you. Start to laugh at inappropriate times. While waiting listen to announcements telling you first that you will be able to get on another flight, next that in fact you will be shuttled to a hotel and will fly out tomorrow morning, and then finally that you will be getting on a bus and driving to New York City. Tonight. Eyes start to hurt. Like maybe they are bleeding kind of hurt.

6: Get herded like pathetic sheep around airport for another hour until a bus pickup location is finally decided upon by idiot Air France employees. Other passengers are mostly being nice and generous, sharing cellphones and information, but when the bus pulls up, it is every man for himself.

7: Wait another half hour in the cold before boarding bus because people who work for Air France are idiots.

8: Board bus at 11 PM. Drive 5 hours nestled next to a large French optometrist named Phillipe who is too big for his seat. Spend next five hours with legs in aisle, pressed against arm rest, trying to escape the limbs of Phillipe.

9: Arrive at Penn Station at 4:15 AM EST, exactly 24 hours after you left Paris. Get in cab and beg kick-ass driver to get you to Brooklyn as quickly as possible. He acquiesces.

That's all I wanted today. A little acquiescence.

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Good news shortly, I think. Also I wrote something for Flavorpill: Megan Kelso and Ariel Bordeaux do Cupcake at Lolita. Tonight! It's Wednesday right? Holy fuck I have no idea what day it is. (3/09/05)