Before Greg and I got our Intellivisions, we went over to Jimmy Malmquist's house, because he had a Colecovision. He was rich because his dad owned a bunch of Town and Country Liquor stores. Anyways, the Colecovision, it was rad. It had Donkey Kong, and this Smurfs game, and B.C. where you jumped over people laying on their backs - "IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE CARTOON" and stuff. Well, we were over there and Jimmy's parents were gone, so cool, we could play Coleco all night long.

Well I'm playing DK, and I'm on the pie factory level, just having a grand fucking time, and Jimmy goes and asks Greg if he wants to, "Do that one thing," and Greg says sure, and they both ask me if I want to try it. Well "that one thing" turns out to be masturbation, and I'm all like no, it's ok...I'll just play Coleco.

I hadn't really hit puberty yet, so I'm all nervous and uncomfortable, but I knew what it was. I just hadn't done it myself. Oh, yeah, I got good a little bit later, probably one of the best, but I hadn't even tried it at this point.

So they are both over there with towels and Vaseline sitting on the couch back to back just about, cranking away, telling me about how "high school boys" do it to make sure they don't get their dates pregnant and other stupid stuff, and I'm trying not to look.

Then Jimmy starts to shake, and finishes and heaves a big sigh, and goes into the bathroom. I'm WAY uncomfortable at this point, and I ask Greg what the hell is wrong with Jimmy...and he says something that still haunts me....

"Sometimes you get sad afterwards."

How fucked up is that? That's why I'm so messed up.